So, yesterday the months of hoping and planning and thinking and trying NOT to think came to an end. We got the call that Crista had had her baby and had decided to keep her. I've been worrying about this moment since before we even found out that Crista had chosen us (for then) to be the parents of her baby. I was terrified of how bad it would feel, of completely falling to pieces, of not being able to handle it. And you know what -- now that it's here, it's not so bad. Here's the view from here:
Mostly, I just feel normal. So does Mike. I guess that makes sense -- nothing has actually changed in our life. We were a family of three, we are a family of three. We still love each other, we still have fun together, our home is still a happy place. The world didn't end. It just didn't expand.
I thought I would feel this incredible sense of loss. I don't feel any. I realize now that's because I didn't lose a baby -- not in any real way. With each of our fertility tries, especially the ones where we say pictures of the embryos or had positive pregnancy tests, the sense of loss and failure was overhwelming. Now, the only loss I feel is the loss of a timeframe. We thought she was coming this week. We feel now that she's still coming (unless she's a he -- and then we have some painting to do!!), now we're just back to not knowing when. That's pretty familiar territory for us. It sucks, I hate it, I wish it were still going to be next week, I still sometimes find myself thinking I won't be able to do this or that thing next month because I'll have a baby. It hurts, but it's bearable.
I feel myself periodically wanting to get angry. But then, who is there to get angry at? Crista? How can I be angry at her for keeping the baby that she loves -- especially since I wanted her too, and I never met her! The situation? We spent a lot of time and energy and effort (and money) getting to know Crista, getting the room ready and all the requisite stuff, rearranging our lives. But, that's what you do, right? No one was acting in bad faith, no one did this on purpose....it just happens. Adoption is hard. Becoming a parent is hard. People who do it the normal way face backaches and labor pains and swollen ankles -- and sometimes much, much worse outcomes. We adoptive parents face trials and pains of a different nature. But you risk the pain because the result, when you get there, is worth it a million times over. In the past I've always had a fallback of getting mad at God, but how can I do that when his tender mercies have been with me every moment?
Prayer can move mountains and bring to pass miracles. Sadly, it wasn't the miracle I really wanted, but there was a miracle wrought in my life nonetheless and it is this: we are all ok. We have been ensconced all weekend in a mantle of peace and reassurance. I have felt so much love from so many different corners, knowing people were praying and hoping for us. I have not fallen to pieces and my heart is not broken. I am able to see and be grateful for the immense good that is in my life. I am so grateful that this time, I haven't been washed away by this huge tidal wave of despair, floudering and unable to see any good in life. I am ok. Life is good. Life goes on. And our life is full of blessings, even in the midst of the storm. We were here in Ohio, and hadn't gone yet to Texas for the birth. We didn't have to disrupt our lives and Jack's. We didn't have to meet the baby and then loose her. We were able to just carry on with our lives. I am here, surrounded by my gorgeous friends, who came to spend the first night with me and remind me that life is pretty darn sweet just as it is. (And the friends who texted, chatted, called, sent emails, and were present in my life in so many other ways.) For that matter, I'm blessed to live in this age of incredible technology where we are all connected no matter how far away we move (or are moved from.)
So, what next? We move on into a new week, and hope soon to have another phone call from Texas saying someone else thinks we would be the perfect parents for their little one.
No comments:
Post a Comment